My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.