My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude