Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.