I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.