Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
the #horror is real!
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and itâs beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads âyour my soulmateâ
đŠđŠđŠ
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together đ¤đ
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like heâs taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
a former teacher who loved saying âlack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mineâ just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didnât realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
THE AUDACITY. đ¤
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
The guy said âViolence is never the answerâ and I said âWhat if the question is âWhat is never the answer?ââ and he punched me in the face.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I donât go there