*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Sing it!
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas