ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now