*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture