Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Okay, I’m still confused…
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing