No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
WTF
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*