… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
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Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️