I believe the plural is “milves.”
You Might Also Like
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?