two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.