Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade