5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.