I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids