Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
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Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
decorating my apartment
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.