Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
It’s an epidemic…
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.