If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old