Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
You Might Also Like
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”