“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Sponch
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross