I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
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I only say stupid things when I talk.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.