*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Yup
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My whole life was a lie.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap