holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s