INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.