They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.