My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”