kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Not even remotely sorry.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.