6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
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How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I think I’m having a stroke
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood