Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
You Might Also Like
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
fourth time’s the charm
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”