My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*