Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
You Might Also Like
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.