7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Welcome
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.