Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I’m not wrong
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan