What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
You Might Also Like
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?