No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Raisins are grape jerky.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs