Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.