Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Merry Christmas
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.