yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
#StillHurts
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone