My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats