“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“How’s your day going?”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.