After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
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Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
This is I, Robot all over again
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.