My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-