Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend