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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.