If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me too, bag. Me too….
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point