[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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that lip filler tho
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb