Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.