friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.