Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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Planet of the Apps.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.